The Masks We Wear
by Ailodierap
Summary: Jade doesn't even know where the hurt is coming from. She doesn't understand the weight on her heart that she feels every second of the day. So many times, Jade has told herself that it's her feelings for Tori that cause the pain. But no. That's not it.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious, '365 Days' or 'Buried Alive'.**

Tori Vega. Tori _fuckin' perfect _Vega.

Jade actually hates her so much. Tori had everything.

Jade hates that she worked so hard to work her way up in Hollywood Arts. It took so long, but now Jade is one of the most respected performers in the school.

And Tori?

_Well she just waltzed RIGHT IN through the front door thanks to ONE performance and in TWO DAYS she had gotten herself one up over me. TWO. DAYS._

It hardly seemed fair. Jade prepared her original audition for Hollywood Arts for MONTHS.

Tori didn't practice at all.

Jade wrote her own monologue to perform. To get it right alone took her 2 months. She rehearsed it so many times. She practiced every emotion she could to the death.

And Tori didn't even plan to perform. She just did, and stole the show.

_I hate everything about her._

So, of course, she would be the person…

Jade West is…

…_in love with?_

_Why? Why does fate have a way of doing this to me?_

The day Jade saw Tori perform in the big showcase, she knew, yes, she knew that this girl was going somewhere.

Jade knew that with a voice like that, she would make it big in the musical industry.

What Jade didn't know was that she had practically pulled a rabbit out of her ass with that performance. Tori didn't plan to perform. Tori didn't think she could do it.

Jade remembers watching her trying to run offstage. Jade remembers thinking how chicken-shit she is.

What Jade conveniently didn't remember was the sudden tightness in her chest when Tori began to sing.

Jade is a girl of many hates. One of the things she hates is opaque water bottles. Another one of the things she hates is the word 'tissue'.

Another thing she hates is the fact that when Jade first saw Tori rubbing Beck's shirt, she didn't know who she was jealous over.

Jade never liked it when Beck got any female attention that wasn't from her.

_Well, I suppose Cat's okay. She knows what I'll do if she ever tries to make a move._

_Tori, however, will do anything to irritate me. To get me back for whatever horrible thing I did to her that week._

Jade remembers a certain day, about two weeks after she and Beck became an 'exclusive' couple.

Beck had just finished his final scene in a school play. Jade vaguely remembers Beck's part. It was Beck's first real part in any play. The original part that began Beck's imminent rise to stardom.

Beck ran behind the curtain, looking delighted. Jade couldn't say she blamed him. Her part 'exited' the scene shortly after his. So she finishes her final lines and marches backstage to congratulate Beck. What does she see?

_Some stupid slut running her hand up and down Beck's arm. Flashing her butt-ugly smile at him trying to get his attention._

Beck wasn't giving her the attention. He was trying to move away from the awkward situation.

Jade remembers the instant jolt to the heart when she saw this.

Jade remembers stomping over to them, swearing to god she was seeing red.

"Hey, you, get off my boyfriend. NOW." Jade ordered as threateningly as she could. Of course, this was the first time Jade had to be possessive over Beck. Needless to say, it was an acquired skill.

Jade remembers the hurt she felt when Beck didn't instantly spring away from the girl when Jade approached them.

"I really doubt there's someone in this school stupid enough to date you." the girl remarked.

Jade remembers the overwhelming sense of triumph she felt as the girl realised how she had just slipped up.

Stuttering and stammering, trying to find some kind of response, a fiery blush spread across the girl's cheeks.

_Her ears went red. Fucking red! It was hilarious._

Jade slipped her arm around Beck as the girl, clearly disheartened, ran away. Beck kissed Jade's forehead, whispering to her,

"Love you."

Jade remembers smiling at that. She remembers the strong feelings she had for Beck at that moment in time. When Jade was around Beck, the rest of the world blurred out. It used to be like Beck was the only thing Jade could focus on. Ironically, that didn't used to be too wide of the mark.

_But now?_

Now Jade questions her feelings for Beck every day. It's not so much that Jade doesn't love Beck. Jade does love him. Everyone knows that. But is she _in love?_

Jade asked herself that whenever she was around Beck. Every time Vega or some other chick would flirt with Beck, and Jade would chase them off, Jade asked herself that.

"Am I really in love with Beck?"

_Do I see myself spending my life with Beck?_

_Yeah, obviously._

_Do I see myself dating anyone other than Beck?_

_No fucking way._

So why does Jade feel this way? WHY?

Every day, it eats away at her. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

And yet, she does nothing about it. Every time Beck is holding her hand, she mentally asks herself if she really is in love with Beck, whereas a year ago, she would be admiring how Beck's hand fit hers like a warm, soft glove. Whenever Jade rests her head in the crook of Beck's neck, Jade wonders if she could possibly have hidden feelings for anyone else, as opposed to before when she would comment on how comfortable he is, and he would gently kiss her ear.

And whenever they kiss, Jade now wonders if she will ever be kissing anyone other than Beck; last year she would be overwhelmed with love for Beck and would feel that he is the best part of her life.

Jade doesn't understand where these feelings for Tori sprouted from. No idea at all. Love has a way of doing that.

_I mean seriously, just, like, find the most random and spontaneous couple and give them confusing albeit overpowering feelings for each other. Really? You might as well stick Cat and Sinjin together. Or Robbie and Beck._

_Just not me and Tori. ANYONE but Tori. Well, except for Robbie. Or Sinjin. Or Cat. Or Trina. _

Okay, there's a lot of people Jade hates the thought of having feelings for, but Tori definitely tops the list.

No, wait, I think that honour definitely goes to Sinjin. Followed by Robbie.

_Tori's in the top three, does that count?_

_Then again, Trina should really be third. Or even second. I'd sooner kiss Robbie Shapedo than Trina Vega._

So, basically, people Jade would hate to love:

1) Sinjin van Cleef

2) Trina Vega

3) Robbie Shapiro

4) Tori Vega

_Bleugh._

_Wait, I just implied that love made me and Tori have feelings for EACH OTHER. I seriously doubt she likes me. She spends way too long giving André or whatever guy she's pulled this week the time of day to even acknowledge me._

* * *

><p><strong>Monday, oh baby I fell for you,<strong>

**Tuesday, I wrote you this song.**

**Wednesday, I wait outside your door,**

**Even though I know it's wrong.**

Jade couldn't help smiling widely at André and Tori performing. Jade knew that André and Tori both have mad singing skills. But together, they sound even better.

**Seven days a week, Every hour of the month,**

**Gotta let you know where my heart is coming from.**

**I shouldn't feel this way, but I gotta say,**

**Baby, gotta let you kno-ow,**

**I will try everything,**

**To make you come closer to me, **

**Baby 'till you believe,**

**It's not just a phase.**

Jade felt that same tightness in her chest that she did a year and a half ago. The way Tori sung that last line really struck something inside Jade hard. It felt almost painful to Jade smiling the way she was.

**How can I get it through?**

**You're the one I can't lose.**

_Isn't it oh so convenient how much this song matches my situation? If I ever meet God I'm kicking his ass._

**I'll try 365 days,**

**365 ways to get to you.**

* * *

><p>Jade doesn't generally show her emotions. Jade tends to bottle her feelings up. Locked away in the inner sanctums of her mind. Jade knows, yes, she knows that everyone is out to hurt her. Except for Beck.<p>

Life is a constant struggle. It can sometimes seem like you are going to come out on top but other times it's hard not to be buried alive by the constant burdens and pain of everyday life.

The constant pain Jade feels.

Oh so painful.

Jade doesn't even know where the hurt is coming from. She doesn't understand the weight on her heart that she feels every second of the day. So many times, Jade has told herself that it's her feelings for Tori that cause the pain. Seeing Tori almost every day. Eating lunch at the same table as Tori. Having a conversation with Tori. Laughing at Sikowitz' antics. With Tori.

Just being around Tori in general.

But no.

That's not it.

This is something much deeper. Deeper and darker.

_Drive the knife in._

Jade wants to know. She oh so badly wants to know what is causing the pain. She would give almost anything to know.

_Just not Beck._

But Jade knows that she won't know, ever.

Jade hides the pressure behind her mask. The mask that is her own personality.

_We all wear masks._

Jade has to be herself. Being anyone else would tell people that something is up.

The most convincing ruse is to be herself.

Jade wants the pain to go away. This isn't the kind of pain Jade enjoys. This isn't the kind of hurt she welcomes with open arms.

This feels like Jade's heart is pumping sludge rather than blood. This feels like a hand is tightly squeezing Jade's heart.

Jade's heart is fragile. The armour she wears is rusting.

* * *

><p><strong>Still I'm on my way,<strong>

**(On and on it goes)**

**Vacant hope to take**

**HEY, I can't live in here for another day,**

**DARKness has kept the light concealed**

**(Grim as ever)**

**HOLD on to faith as I dig another grave,**

**MEANwhile the mice endure the wheel**

**Real as ever,**

**And it seems I've been Buried Al-**

The music never works. Music is supposed to isolate you from the world. That's what it is supposed to.

Why doesn't it?

Every song Jade listens to reminds her of her life.

_Maybe I should stop listening to such depressing songs._

No. Jade needs to be herself.

A happy, bubblegum pop song would make Jade vomit.

* * *

><p>"Look, it's not you, it's me. I just feel like we aren't going to work. I'm seriously sorry, I just don't think you're the kind of girl I'm looking for." he said, sadness evident in his voice.<p>

"Then what kind of girl ARE you looking for? A princess?" she asked in response.

"I never said that. I just don't think you're the kind of girl I want."

"You said that already! Can't you think of any other decent reasons why you're breaking up with me?" she spat out angrily.

He rolled his eyes, trying to hide the irritation behind them.

It didn't take long for her to analyse this. A look of surprise formed on her face, as she uttered five words no girlfriend wants to think about.

"There's someone else, isn't there?"

He sighed in defeat. Refusing to meet her eyes, he admitted the truth.

"Okay, yeah, you're right, okay? There IS someone else. I'm in love with someone else, and I don't want to be with you anymore!" he started quietly, in a shy tone, but this quickly morphed into an angry tone.

She almost walked away then and there, but stood her ground.

"Nice of you to be honest with me." she spat out, sarcasm evident like venom in her words.

He pressed his lips together in anger. Clenching his fists and breathing unevenly, he turned tail and stomped away. As he was about to turn the corner once and for all, he turned back, glaring daggers.

"People say you're all heart. Ha! One day, Tori, one day someone will realize what a witch you really are." he barked in an aggressive tone, before finally walking away.

Jade watched on in disbelief from the top of the stairway.

_I seriously thought that Michael dude was into her… damn it, do I say something? Then again, it's nice seeing her have some bad luck for once._

Jade kept staring at the back of Tori's head as she marched over to her locker. Jade's heart was pounding. More so than it had ever done before. This could be the only opportunity she'd ever get. Jade observed the surroundings.

They were in the main locker area of Hollywood Arts.

_If you didn't guess that even when Tori went to her locker, then you have a real problem._

The area was completely empty. The silence was a rare relief in such a creative, musical school. Decorative colours and patterns splashed the walls and lockers adding more character to the area than Jade had in every bone in her body. The bottom of the stairs seemed to be so far away. Almost as if Jade would never get to the end.

Each individual stair felt like a journey in her own mind. As Jade descended, her heart clenched tighter. Tighter.

Before even contemplating a possible course of action, Jade stood up straight and walked straight towards Tori.

With each step Jade took, her heart thudded louder.

"Tori." she said so weakly that she wasn't even sure that Tori heard. Taking another step, Jade breathed in and called her name again. "Tori."

Tori froze in place and looked up into the pale, cold face of Jade West.

Jade fought to hide the surprise threatening to emerge on her face when she saw that Tori had been crying. Tori's eyes were red. The smile that seemed to be permanently plastered onto her face, the smile that showed her true beauty was gone. For the first time Jade knew, Tori was truly sad. For this one small moment, yes, just one moment in the entire 16 years of Tori's life, Tori was broken. Lost.

Her breath shaking, Tori responded.

"Jade?"

"Wow, you're clever." Jade remarked. Tori's eyes narrowed, inadvertently shedding more tears. Blinking rapidly to get rid of them so as not to show weakness, Tori breathed deeply to form a reply.

"Please Jade, I don't need it right now."

For one instant, Tori was below Jade. Tori was pleading for Jade to leave her alone.

_This is how it should be._

"Yeah, the blubbering has made that quite clear." Jade's way of saying that she saw what happened.

"You heard that?"

"Every word." Jade's heart would not stop thudding against her chest.

"Okay, and…" Tori trailed off, expecting some kind of response.

This was it. The one moment that could resolve everything. For one second, the window of opportunity had opened. Tori's walls had broken down, and Jade had this one shot to pry her way in, as Tori had done when Jade dumped Beck.

_Well, our positions are reversed now. Like it? Hope so._

Jade opened her mouth to answer, and Jade could have sworn Tori could hear the sound of Jade's pounding heart resonating up her windpipe.

The stony silence was unsettling.

"Well? Got anything interesting to say?" Tori asked in suspense.

Before Jade could form any coherent sound, Tori's phone began singing in her pocket. Wiping tears away with one hand and breathing deeply, she answered it.

"Hello?" she greeted whoever was on the other line, her voice cracking at the end.

"No no, I'm… I'm fine. I'm by my locker, talking to-" Tori stated, looking up.

Tori was alone.


End file.
